Posted in anxiety, blog, death, family, help, relationship, Uncategorized

Estranged Uncles and death…?

Hello fellow readers, long time no see. No poem for this one unfortunately.

 

Last night, I had a very personally confusing phone call. It was dad (initially i thought a pocket dial, he never phones). Told me there was some bad news. Again, there I was in my room thinking oh god its grandma, whisked away to hospital on death’s door.

“Its about John”…

… my estranged uncle. the uncle that financially abused my grandparents, that mentally abused my father and my aunt. The estranged uncle that has taught me so much about manipulation and how to catch people out when they try and manipulate others. The estranged uncle that put himself on the streets to prove a point to us, who cost my father his health and money. (my dad is kind in nature, and tried for years to help this uncle be less estranged, even he gave up.)

 

Back to reality, he then tells me that he has unfortunately died, found in a flat somewhere in milton keynes.

 

You know my first initial thought was? Thank FUCK he cannot hurt anyone again. How twisted is that? I was upset, yes, he was (WAS) my favourite uncle that seemed to get me, I will miss him, but then I have grieved the uncle I had when he started to abuse people like my elderly grandparents, his parents. My thought was thank fuck he cannot try and abuse my grandma (she has dementia, very easily persuaded now), he cannot make my dad cry again, he cannot hurt anyone ever again.

 

Then the guilt of thinking that. Of thinking “someone has died, therefore everyone else will not be hurt”. Like, how? Should I not be grieving? Grandpa and Graham have died and I was in bloody bits. My partner (now fiancee, but thats a completely different blog post…) had to pick up the pieces when grandpa had gone. Why do I not feel this now?

 

Is it because he is estranged? So now, to me, he is but just another person that has died? Am I upset, just because I hate that people die? Or am I upset because of guilt? Could we have done more? (I know the answer to that. it was years.)

 

I wish things could have been different. Dad gave estranged uncle so so many chances, his health diminished for it as he was constantly going to the prison where he was, giving him money and shelter when uncle left prison. He couldn’t have done more. But could have I? at 16 or whatever?

 

The next question in my head is: funeral. Do I attend? Do we attend? He expressly told us that he had no family anymore and cut himself off (horrible words were spoken to my father, might I add, two weeks before grandpa died). Is it bad that, in my head, I don’t want to spend money to get back home to go to someone I don’t know’s funeral? But then, if we don’t go, who even will?

 

I feel sorry for john. I feel sorry for dad. I feel sorry for everyone in this situation.

 

Anyone in this blogger world experienced the same? How have you dealt with this? My friend thinks I should be very much upset, but to be honest, I am just confused…

Posted in anxiety, blog, depression, mental health, Uncategorized

Tonight, I feel nothing.

*trigger warning*

Tonight, I feel nothing. I took my sertraline, 200 as per, and I was happy. energetic. couldnt have been better.

But then all of a sudden, everything stopped. like some random shitty matrix glitch, all atoms have just paused and I am floating.

I want to cut. I want to hurt myself. to feel SOMETHING other than the nothingness inside. Why is life so fucking worthless.

I had counselling today and it was okay, actually. She made me think about stuff and I am this week thinking back on what she said and will try and put the thoughts into action.
I dont think this was the trigger.

I dont understand why i am here. and dont be all “we are all here for a reason.” what if my reason for living was to die, to be that story people would tell, another statistic so that people can say suicide is rising. what if that is my goal in life.

Each day I try so hard. I write poems to try and help others and in turn, comb through the thoughts and detangle.

I feel like coming off of a high. ive never taken drugs (apart from sertraline and the pill), but if i did, this is probably what it feels like.

I really really want to cut and feel something. I don’t want to bleed out or anything, that wouldnt be the point.

I just want to cut and feel and pray that some day life will have a purpose other than to be a statistic.

Posted in anxiety, blog, depression, mental health, poem, poetry, Uncategorized

Finding that happy place (poem 4)

Deep in my heart there is a place I will go
Where stories told, where flowers grow
It is my little hiding space, when things are fierce
Through the dark shadows, it will pierce

Deep in the ground sprouts a wild red flower,
Just like our souls, it has the power
To reach, to climb, to ebb its way slowly
To pastures new, to find whats holy

Deep in your heart there is a place you will go
Where stories told, where flowers grow
Wonder around and you will see
All the things that were supposed to be

High in the clouds a ray of sun shatters
The darkened soil, and all that matters
Has come back to life through the heat of day
Come back to life, and then there you will stay.

Deep in our hearts there is a place we will go
Where stories told, where flowers grow
Our souls may sing, our hearts hold a mast
For our happy place, for now, is here at last

Posted in anxiety, blog, depression, mental health, religion, Uncategorized

Forgiving mental health in religion…

Hello readers. Nothing much new, feeling abit better today. started meds again 2 days ago and this time i WONT just go cold turkey. hopefully. watch this space.

I am a Christian, and recently found my way back to faith, and a blogger (Christ Over The Darkness) recently posted this in answer to one of my questions. I don’t usually share faith stuff as I firmly believe that you cant force someone to believe etc etc, but this is my blog, so if I cant put it here wherelse?!

I often felt as if, as a Christian, I would be condemmed for having a mental disorder – and for a lot of people this rings very true. There is still a huge huge stigma on mental health, and in some Churches, *in my opinion,* it seems to be pushed aside. For a long long time I believed it was MY fault i had a mental disorder, not mum’s or brother’s or whatever else was going on. I felt that i just needed to pray more and it would go away, which in turn following the death of my boyfriend’s father and someone telling me that prayer will help the grief, turned me away for a good couple years.

During these two years of soul searching and climbing through the fog, I realised that God doesn’t see mental illness as something to be shoved away. God is there to help, and wont condemm those who are struggling. What kind of God would shun someone away who is in pain?

The only thing i have been struggling with now is forgiveness. How can God keep forgiving me each time I hurt myself, which is a sin in His eyes? I then reached out to a blogger on my first day on this site, and they have now posted in answer to my question.

Enjoy reading about forgiveness, when it comes to mental health. My question was about mostly self harming and other mentalities, and the blogger very eloquently replied.

Happy reading

Love you all

Krissi x

How can God forgive me and keep forgiving me?? This is a question that I struggled with for a long time. Ok, so the bible says if I confess and repent then I’m forgiven but if I keep doing the same thing over and over again, am I truly repentent? am I truly forgiven? I […]

via Can I ever be forgiven – Part 1 — Christ Over The Darkness

Posted in anxiety, blog, depression, mental health, Uncategorized

So, today has been abit Shit.

Yesterday was okay. I handled my anxiety well (ish), and i didnt want to hurt myself.

 

Then today happened.

 

I woke up to a DEAD BABY MOUSE. IN THE TRAP. then i had the housemates starting their shit again. They literally make me want to stay in my room all day. I considered peeing in a bottle instead of going out and peeing like a neurotypical individual in a toilet, one of the two provided. But that isnt how anxiety works is it now.

I am through the worst of it now, hence my writing. Here is how it felt. please note, *trigger warning* from here on out.

It is summer here, very very hot. Yet I was COLD. under my duvet freezing. I didnt know how to react to the latest housemate incident, but i knew that I needed to cut. What other option was there? And of course, there came the anxiety attack. The throat closing in, the shaking, the world collapsing. It really does, readers, feel like the world is crumbling. It is like one of those *seriously* cheesy movies about panic attacks, being outside of your body random crazy music heightened senses. But you cannot breathe. Then all you can think about is how awful the world is, how the only option would be to drive a knife from the top of your wrist, down to your elbow.

After discussing with a friend about one of these attacks (he is a biomed student and is amazing as he tells me whats happening in the brain etc which is quite calming!), i realised what its like. you know those bugs that get parasites, that end up killing themselves because of the parasite? that is what depression and anxiety. a nasty, shitty parasite. how else does our basic instinct of self preservation go otherwise?

 

Anyway. I am okay now. I resisted cutting by making my arms numb (if i put my weight on my arms they go tingly etc and somehow it takes my mind off of it). I still kind of want to hurt, but the boyfriend is messaging now. he has no idea. it is really hard to resist still. it is so weird, doing the degree that i am doing, as i know these thoughts are *completely* irrational, but they are REAL.

 

So readers, basically, dont get a mental health disorder. its shit.

 

Love you all.

 

Krissi x

Posted in blog, mental health, Uncategorized

This is hybridheart, or krissi.

It is weird, starting a new blog plost. Like, what do you say? Hello, blank computer screens? Am I talking to myself?

 

This blog is for mental health. and other Shit. but mostly mental health. I am royally fucked in the head. The doctors have said many things: PTSD, depression, anxiety, GAD, OCD, Personality disorder… they have no idea what is actually wrong with me, which is rather reassuring. is it not?

 

Each day is tough as shit. in fact, think of the bulkiest, heaviest monstrosity huge-animal-made-this shit, and then imagine wading in that. that is how life is. even today I had to stop and sit down on the way back home from town (this is a 5 minute walk at best), as it felt as if lactic acid was my leg’s duvet. Yes, I am on the podgy side, but I was not out of breath in the slightest. This is what depression is. a mound of shit that you must keep wading through, day by day.

 

It fucking sucks. Each movement you make, each breath you take, itll be watching you (queue that random song that I have no idea the title of). It takes you off guard, it springs on you at the weirdest of moments. even if you think you are happy, BAM. there it is.

 

I don’t ever say I am happy, as sure enough the “black dog” or whatever the stupid name for it is rears its nasty little head. I dont like to insult people, but seems as though depression is abstract – see previous paragraph’s sentiment.

 

Some days aren’t so bad. Some days you can just get through without thinking that today will be the last. Some days you have 1 less thought to worry about. Some days you may actually enjoy the summer breeze, the warm air. But then others, you wish noone could see the breeze rough up your already mousy hair and that noone will see the sweat and dirt emitting from your dirty skin because of the warmth.

 

So yes. I am royally fucked in the head. Maybe the next post wont be so weird and unusual. But then how boring would it be.

 

Krissi x